A Black Man's Guide to Starting Therapy

The way I learned it, therapy was for crybabies, for people who didn’t know how to “deal with” life or, when I was religious, for people who didn’t have Jesus. Growing up, we never spoke about it, so it was never a real option. I imagine I am not alone in having a history where therapy was either looked at with suspicion or dismissed as stuff white people did.

For others, it's shrouded in stigma and misconception. As men, particularly men of color, the journey to seeking therapy can be fraught with unique challenges and barriers. Some people think the main issue is for men to get over being macho and embrace their feelings, and yeah, that can be one of the obstacles to seeking therapy — but it’s not the main one I have encountered and seen others struggle with.

In my case, reactions to trauma made up my entire life. I was so identified and locked into my past trauma (racial abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, narcissistic abuse), that I didn’t know how to ask for help, let alone seek it. I once described my life as being on a train watching life happen outside the window while I passed by.

How to know you could benefit from therapy

Here are some other signs you might need to seek out a therapist’s help. I was dealing a lot with numbers 1-5 and 9. What about you?

1. Persistent Feelings of Sadness or Hopelessness

2. Excessive Worry or Anxiety

3. Changes in Sleep Patterns

4. Difficulty Coping with Stress

5. Difficulty Concentrating or Making Decisions

6. Changes in Appetite or Weight

7. Using Substances As A Way To Cope

8. Relationship Issues

9. Traumatic Experiences

10. Physical Symptoms without Medical Cause

11. Thoughts of Self-Harm or Suicide

12. Feeling Disconnected or Numb

It wasn’t until a new coworker dismissed me with an unfriendly look that I realized my house of mental health was made of straw. I just couldn’t get past it; taking a super long walk didn’t calm me nor could a night drinking alone sufficiently numb me. So I confided in a friend who was married to a therapist.

They recommended me to a medical trial that included free therapy if you qualified. And I was fucked up enough qualify. I ended up doing psychedelic trials with MDMA for PTSD. While I was not in the military, my past racial and violence-related trauma resonated with the tests.

I would not recommend my path of substance-assisted trials for everyone. I, myself, took it on with the full belief that I would die and have deserved it, i.e. see religious upbringing. But the combination of caring people willing to listen plus me being willing to talk, turned out to be transformative. I can’t really remember who I was before therapy — and don’t think I would want to.

Easiest ways to actually start doing therapy

That said, I get that it can be scary to start therapy, hell, it is scary. The person I was before sitting on that couch , or sometimes chair, thought the worst thing I could do was tell people what I had been through.

I was worried that telling people my truth about my past…

• Would sound like complaining

• Be disrepectful to my parents

• Be disrespectul to my family

• And no one would believe me anyway

In the end, these concerns were overblown. What I needed to do most of all was start the healing process. You deserve to heal as well. You have been through a lot. You deserve to treat yourself like you matter. The road is not always straightforward and there might be some disappointment and frustration along the way — but I promise — when you have that moment, like I have, where you are surprised by your positive reaction to things, your resilience and newfound calm, you will be glad you began your journey. Here’s how you can start.

Engage people who have done therapy

I find that if we want our lives to have more of something, we need to find people who are all about that thing. Hearing from real folks about their real experiences helps us to adjust our reality and expectations. Befriend and engage people who have been in therapy or people who seem thoughtful and emotionally sound for they may lead to someone who does therapy.

Join therapeutic groups

Look at health and wellness centers that do long running classes based on mental health issues. The one I joined way back was about overcoming burnout. These groups, when done well, are run by medical staff, therapy students, or other qualified professionals. Bonus if the classes are free. In my experience, pros that participate in this sort of goodwill work may provide or have resources for reduced therapy or counseling.

Reduced therapy or counseling

These tend to be state or nonprofit run programs. Try searching for “free therapy counseling in” [your city or town] and you will typically, find you’re not the first person who’s needed this. In my experience, I was able to find some reduced therapy with a therapy student who was co-teaching the burnout course.

Heads up: this is an entry point. You aren’t going to be able to start working on your trauma here in any real or meaningful way. We can think of this as a way to start giving ourselves an hour of time to focus on us and what we want. We can start talking about changes we’d like to make, life aspirations, career dreams, and work through some regular frustrations.

Event-based or EAP counselor

I have never actually done this one but talked with people who have and they have nice things to say about it. Out of caution, I would place this in the same category as reduced therapy or counseling.

What I call event-based therapy or employee assistance program counseling (EAP counseling) is the kind we may receive as part of our job. According to Healthline, EAP counselors can help us work through things like…

• workplace conflicts

• workplace-related trauma

• mental health concerns, including anxiety and depression

• substance abuse issues

• grief or loss

• relationship problems

These EAP counselors are usually licensed health professionals that could connect us with deeper resources should we need. Some of these EAP benefits may not even require us to receive health insurance from our jobs. And they can even be used by our family and loved ones at no extra charge.

These plans have some hard limits though. For my workplace, I get 5 sessions per life event per person. This means if I were messed up over the death of a close friend, they would chat with me about it over 5 sessions.

The big drag about this arrangement is that it is unlikely to engender deep trust. Given what I know about behavioral equilibriums and the economical concept of infinite games, people tend to treat us better when they believe we’ll be a longstanding factor in their foreseeable future. We try to cooperate with coworkers in long-term employment situations — but when we get word our coworker has put in their notice, we may start to notice more things we find annoying about them and be less willing to overlook sleights and cooperate. It’s just human nature.

An event-based counselor or therapist may really be a great person but because of the short-term nature of our relationship, neither of us is likely to put our guards down long enough to allow for the vulnerability that makes therapy deeply transformative. For this reason, I imagine this arrangement more like having a sounding board or talking at your dog.

How to get yourself a proper therapist

Maybe we have already tried slowly dipping our toe into the therapy waters and we’re ready for the plunge, something deeper and more powerful. Or maybe we just know ourselves and have no patience for beating around the bush. Let’s talk about how we can actually get ourselves a real dang therapist.

Find out what you’re looking for

Just like with finding a place to eat on the weekend, it really helps if we know what sounds perfect right now and which options don’t. There are different kinds of therapy approaches that work for different people facing different challenges. If you don’t have any clue what you need right now, please don’t let that stop you from giving therapy a try. You can always hop into the rabbit hole that is YouTube and learn about different types of therapy styles and modalities. And don’t be afraid give it a try with a therapist who you feel you can vibe with.

Ask friends about therapists they like

Our friends, a.k.a the people we choose to be around without any real obligations, are little windows into who we are as people. That’s where they can be clutch at recommendations for pretty much anything: meals we might like, the best tv shows, and a therapist worth checking out. Even if we don’t ultimately end up going with the folks they recommend, we would have learned something about ourselves and what we are and aren’t looking for. We can also ask friends who do therapy to get recommendations from their therapist.

Search Psychology Today

Having done this a few times, I find this is the most straightforward way to find my therapists — and I have found good ones here. Read therapist bios and see if you like what you’re reading. I also like the pictures that PT provides because at this point in my life journey, having a therapist of color is critical for me.

You don’t have to go it alone

All the action figures I played with as a kid and the cartoons I watched typically depicted the image of the solo male figure who bore the weight of everything all the time without help. As a man of color, growing up, these imaginary figures were some of my only acceptable male role models. Soon they would be replaced by celebrities, artists, rappers, and tech billionaires —but even then — they each recited the same dictum: “Do it on your own. Be a man.” But that is not manhood, real experience in the world has taught me better than that.

As men, we're often conditioned to believe that we must bear our burdens alone. But the truth is, no man is an island. We all need support, especially during challenging times. And let’s face it, these times are CRAZY challenging. Don't hesitate to reach out for support. Therapy is not a sign of weakness—it's a testament to our strength and resilience. So, embrace the support available to you, and remember that you deserve to be seen, heard, and supported on your journey to healing.